I got chris browned last night
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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