Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
