I faked an abortion last night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
