so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
