So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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