i think my mom watched the whole time
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
