someone get that fucking seahorse.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
