You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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