Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
