my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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