my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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