When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Never joke about your clitoris.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
