I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
