this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
