A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
