So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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