dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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