Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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