please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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