he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
