My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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