Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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