There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Text me some of your sweat
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