I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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