So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
