I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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