I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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