great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
