I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
