I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
