i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
