Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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