wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
