just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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