The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize