Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
