dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
