So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
