Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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