He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
