Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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