So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
