Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
