It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
