Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
