Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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