Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
