My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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