Im at strip club and am horny
I puked a lego.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
