its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
