how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
