Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So squirting runs in the family.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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