my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
