For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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