Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
