At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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