I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
