I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My life is pants optional.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
