i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
