if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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