Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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