I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
