I'm going to rape someone's good day.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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