Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
