"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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