just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
