remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
