We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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