what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
