i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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