I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
